Tuesday, October 17, 2006

So I don't know if I like what I'm learning right now, but that's the thing about learning...once you know something to be true with your heart (not just your head), you know it...and you can stick your head in the sand and pretend you don't know it all you want... and maybe on the outside people won't realize you know better, but inside you do...you know you do.

So here's what I'm learning... I have to accept myself. You would think that in my thirty-some years of life I would have already learned that one and acted on it...and in some aspects I have, but if I'm being really honest, there is proof in my life that I hold myself to a different standard than anyone else. And though I don't doubt God's love nor grace toward me one bit, I don't have much grace for me. And while we're being honest, I might just as well admit that I am concerned far too much with pleasing other people, and I fear criticism.

Yesterday as I was in a changeroom trying on some jeans, I saw some dimples on my upper thighes..a most disappointing (and somewhat shallow) sight, but then I interrupted my thoughts on the matter with what I had read in a Brennan Manning book that morning... I need to just accept myself.

Later as I was talking to Les, I came to see that I can be aweful to myself. If I see something wrong with how I look, then I doubt I could possibly be pretty...if I have a moment of behavior that I think is not sweet, then I think that I could not possibly be sweet. I do not see the big picture when I look at myself, and I would never treat someone else that way.

There is a whole lot more that I could say on the matter...these are just a few simple examples, but I am learning the next step to walking in God's grace is to accept who I am... I thought I did that already?!

1 comment:

Donna said...

Life lessons.
Sometimes we think we have learned one, then the lesson takes a turn and we find a more in-depth understanding....good for you to speak so honestly and forthright!!!!